Chapter 385: Bright Lamp

I stared at the cockroach in my hand for a long time, then suddenly smiled.

Throughout my life, I've always considered others first, pursuing fairness from beginning to end, making it my life's creed. But has anyone ever considered me?

I held this inner scale of justice against the world, yet it was constantly tipped and shaken by others. Every time people introduced me, they called me the famous "female" lawyer from Chengdu. I really hated that title.

What I wanted was equality, not special treatment. I'm just a lawyer, whether famous or not. Why emphasize that I'm a "female" lawyer? I wanted to be seen the same as any other lawyer—for my professional ability, not my gender.

But...

None of that matters now.

Right now, I just want some water, and something sweet and salty to eat. My gums keep bleeding, and I can't stop it.

I might be dying...

You say... has anyone died in this room before? Why are there so many scratches on the walls? Those marks weren't made by me, but they're still clear. Did someone else used to live here?

The next evening, Ma Tuhu showed up again. This time, he must have been fed up with the smell on me, so he dragged over a hose. As soon as he opened the door, he started spraying water all over me, recording the whole thing on his phone.

Yes, I felt like a pig. I remembered how butchers use water guns to rinse pigs. Now, I had no dignity or humanity left—just a pig waiting to be slaughtered.

Can't you just kill me?

He hosed me down for about ten minutes, washing away most of the dirt and mud from my body. Though I felt like a pig, I had to admit it was more comfortable than before. At least I was clean now. As a human being, you should at least keep yourself clean, right?

I lay there helplessly on the ground, waiting for Ma Tuhu's "favor." This absurd life was ridiculous—my situation was no different from the pigs in his pen. No, actually, keeping me was cheaper than raising pigs.

I only needed three yuan a day to stay alive, but pigs don't work that way. Pigs have to be raised fat and plump to sell, but I don't. As long as I have one last breath and am still a living woman, I'm useful to him.

As Ma Tuhu moved up and down on me, I mustered all my strength to say,"I can agree to anything... Can you just let me go...?"

"Let you go... That's not happening..." he panted in reply. "At least I have to keep you locked up for a few years... Wait until those police give up looking for you..."

A few years...?

Did I hear that right?

A year has three hundred and sixty-five days, right? I've only been here for twenty days, and I'm already on the verge of death. How could I stay here for a few years?

"I'll die..." I couldn't even cry anymore; my voice just choked up. "If you leave me here... I'll die... Weren't you going to make me your wife? What will you do if I die...?"

"You're already my wife!!" he said forcefully. "Dying doesn't matter. Just give me a baby before you go. If it's a boy, then you can die."

This life.

Exactly as I imagined it as a child.

"I agree... I agree to have a baby..." I wailed. "Can you just let me out...?"

"Don't dream about it. Once you have the baby, I'll take you out!"

Watching him move on his own, I felt completely hopeless.

He really wanted me dead.

I slowly wrapped my arms around his neck, opened my mouth wide, and when he was lost in the moment, I bit down hard on his artery.

I wanted to kill him.

But I overestimated myself—I had no strength left.

I only managed to hurt him, leaving deep bite marks.

He howled in pain and stood up, then started punching and kicking me.

I could feel his feet relentlessly kicking my abdomen, and I couldn't block it at all.

I was definitely injured. In this defenseless state, my organs and bones would be damaged.

It would speed up my death.

The next day, I couldn't even crawl anymore; I could only drag myself painfully across the ground.

I kept coughing up blood.

Yesterday, Ma Tuhu had soaked the floor with water, but there was no drain here. The mix of excrement, dirt, and moldy straw in the water created an overwhelming, nauseating smell in the July summer heat.

And me?

I couldn't stand up; I was swimming in the filth.

All the grime stuck to me, turning me into a pig rolling in the mud.

I fumbled through the sewage, searching for my water and food for the day.

"Lai Di, if you ever go to the city, the first thing you should do is go to the police station and change your name."

A voice echoed in my ear—it was my guiding light, my teacher. Her name was different from all the other girls in the village. She wasn't called Lai Di, Zhao Di, Pan Di, or Er Ni, San Ni—she was Ning Waner.

That year, we were standing by the lake at the edge of the village, watching the sunrise.

"Why?" I asked.

"Even though you're very talented, that name will bring you a lot of trouble," she sighed. "I hope you can have a better life, not be trapped here forever. You can choose your own path."

I didn't understand back then. Born into a lower status, how could I possibly choose my own life?

"But... what name should I choose?"

"Whatever you like. A name is meant to bless your own life, not someone else's," she said, coughing a few times. "I hope you can be like this morning's lake—reflecting dazzling sunlight from even a bit of warmth given to you. Even if your depths are dark and cold, still offer the world a gentle ripple."

At the time, I didn't understand her words at all; I just noticed how increasingly frail she looked.

A morning lake?

Now that I think about it, she must have been ill then.

Is she okay? Did she recover?

Has she lived a healthy life until now?

As a child, I never thought to get her contact information, so all these years later, I've never been able to find her.

"Lai Di, I've heard a legend," my teacher said, gazing at the lake with a calm smile. "In this world, everything that dies lives on in another form."

"What does that mean?"

"If I die one day, I might turn into a blade of grass, a tree, a bird, or even an insect."

I thought her words were profound, but also fascinating.

Does that mean no one in this world truly dies?

If they die, they just become something else and live on forever?

It sounded so fair.

"I hope you never die, Teacher," I said to her.

"Why?"

"Because no one has ever been so kind to me." I looked into her eyes then, and it seemed like she wanted to cry. "Teacher, even if you become a bird, an insect, or a stone, I don't want you to die."

"Then I'll wait," she replied with a smile.

Ning Waner said she would leave in three days, but the next day, she was gone.

She must have had something urgent and went back to the city early.